Despite all the blessings, all the good, all the progress, all the forgiving and loving and survival….I just have days where I don’t want this to be my testimony.
Today is just one of them. Really can it wash away completely? Can it go away like turning the tv channel? If only it were that easy.
Days of weakness are real. Moments of raw pain and tears still hit. Rages of wanting to get even and lash out at the “other woman” flare up. Resentment tries to take the reigns.
Will I be strong again? I know I will. It may be tomorrow, later today, I may even brush off all this angst in 5 minutes. Maybe even before I am done typing this will pass. But truth is at this moment….I am just not ok. That’s what this journey is about; even over 2 years later. Embracing the truth of it all. Good, bad, ugly, all of it.
I am human. I have a heart that is fragile. I bleed, bend and break just like everyone else.
I’ve heard (as I am sure you have) the quotes of encouragement:
God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.
Don’t look at all this as a test look at it as a testimony.
Just when you don’t give yourself enough credit, God comes along and shows you what you can get through.
Now before those of you out there jump on the “don’t be a victim” slam I’d like to just say I AM NOT a victim. Nor do I live like one, honestly I can say I don’t think I ever did. Even when this whole trauma hit. I never allowed the victim mentality to take hold.
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have to trudge through the emotions of living this journey and living through it fully!
There are just times when you just want to scream and make it all go away and not deal with it anymore.
There is nothing wrong with feeling anything. There is nothing wrong with not embracing with gratitude a difficult journey. There is nothing wrong with me or anyone else who just has moments when they pray (ok scream) out to a God to take it away.
I will be fine. This reaction is not a defeat but a reminder that I am human. It’s not about the desire to not be here, but the ability to turn the desire not to be here in to healthy healing.
I don’t have to like this. I don’t have to like being here. That doesn’t make me weak. It doesn’t make my faith weak. It doesn’t make all the blessings and positive steps we’ve made in our marriage any less valid.
Moments like this just make me: