Behind my Choice: To Not Let “alone” In

I started this blog a few years ago to let out what I was feeling, to continue healing, have a safe place to leave everything out there.  I wanted to give a voice to the scared and shattered little girl, whom I felt like when the pain was at it’s worst.  I also thought maybe just maybe someone out there might need to know they weren’t alone, trying to navigate their way through their own wreckage.

My entries, posts, whatever you want to call them, have always been nothing but honest.  I haven’t sugar coated the feelings.  At least I haven’t felt like I have.  But part of me has always fought this underlying fear that my story was so rare and singular it left me alone,  a version of alone that terrified me. It’s something I am not sure I have ever put out there before now.

So my go to response whenever anything flares up like this, ask God why it’s there.

What are you trying to teach me?

Am I supposed to be learning something here?

Have I missed you in the mess?

Help me focus on blessings, the good things please don’t let the dark and evil win.

 

Over the past few weeks I  have noticed something.  I’ve taken mental notes as I’ve gone about daily life.   Adultery is more common  than I realized.  Between the movies, tv shows, novels, song lyrics, even personal stories,  it just seems to be more abundant than I ever thought.

Now, I had to try and keep my brain in check and not let things become obsessive.  Maybe you know what I’m talking about.  That weird phenomenon like when you are thinking about buying a new car and you’ve never seen that make or model around; then wham; it seems to be at every stop light with you or parked a few slots down in every lot.  Was that what was happening to me.  My life was focused more on adultery and affairs because I was dealing with getting past my husband’s so I was just zoning in on references?  Or maybe I am just more sensitive about the subject so I noticed it more?

It’s been over 2 years since I started taking notice of it.  And the frequency and theme just doesn’t seem to be going away.  It’s almost getting more frequent.

WHY IS THAT?

The theme isn’t something new.  Pull up lyrics to songs from the 1950’s (maybe even earlier).  Search the American Movie Classics channel and read so many of the synopses of movies from the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s.  The writers, authors, directors have to find (sorry for lack of a better word here but) inspiration from something.  And truth is, even the fiction is based or built on some perception of reality if you ask me.

Reality is people are hurting and healing from some form of adultery or infidelity in their marriages, friendships,  in all relationships.  But once again that still small voice inside my heart was screaming not to let the negative and that sad truth win.  That can’t be the focus.  The sad, painful side of any affair or infidelity can NOT remain the focus.

 

It has motivated me over the past few weeks to pray for those who feel alone.  I may never know your name.  I may never know your story. You may never know mine.  Please know this, that someone has prayed for you.  I have prayed for you. aloneAs I was thinking about it this morning I came to the conclusion that despite the reality I have chosen and will continue to not let alone in.  Even if it’s a simple blog post that no one ever reads.  It’s a purposeful productive way to not isolate myself and to keep moving forward.

It saddens me that so many people are facing this same pain. The reasons, excuses, explanations from both sides of any affair or infidelity are so many.  Evaluating them or working through them far more complex for my simple blog.

To any of you facing this journey as well I hope you have found your voice toward healing.  That you have found at least one book, one Bible verse, one song, one blog, counselor, support group whatever it may be to give you strength.  A strength that comes from knowing you aren’t alone.  You are going to get past this.

alone-2

Don’t let the “alone in”.

Because you aren’t!!!

 

 

 

 

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About behindmychoice

I am first and foremost a Christian! I am also a wife, a daughter, a mother,... and I chose to stay married even after he said, "I had an affair"
This entry was posted in affair recovery, faith and marriage and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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