We are good. I know we are good. We’ve made such great progress. I can see the changes in him. I feel the changes in me. I can feel the difference in our daily interactions. Our family life is so much better. It’s been weeks since we even brushed by a conversation having to do with everything that happened.
But it was another night of nightmares. After a few days of me fighting back evil’s attempt to make me question all the good and proof of reason’s to believe we are ok.
I really, truly am just tired of evil seeping it’s way into my thoughts and joy. I have every reason to believe in the good I have experienced over the past 2 years. I have every reason to trust my husbands actions. There really are more positives than I can count. Yet my brain just takes a nose dive every now and then. It runs with the slightest, dumbest little thing.
I AM SO SICK OF IT!!!
I mean really. God is bigger than this. Why on earth does my little brain keep taking the dark path? SO WHAT if my husband has to travel for business again and certain, former business associates may be there. SO WHAT if it’s been a rough week at work and he’s had to be connected to his phone a bit more. SO WHAT if he made a dumb comment about some hot actress on the tv. NONE of that, even if added all together, can take away from the reality of where we are. And that reality is a good one, a healthy one. We have done a lot of work and we are good. Truly good.
But Satan knows my weak points. He knows just how to leak enough truth into all his lies and deception to make me nervous and anxious. At times it’s just enough to make the pit in my stomach feel a mile deep. When the heat flames up behind my eyes and that little voice says, “see what if…”
I’ve had to stop myself. Purposefully and diligently stop myself from letting fear and anxiety snowball into sabotaging all that is good and worked hard for in our marriage now. It’s still hard at times not to let the negative win a battle. And honestly it wins a few here and there. Not nearly as many as it used to, but I’ll be damned if it’s going to win this war.
Reality is I am just a simple Christian woman, doing her best. My limitations to be perfect and handle this well all the time are just tangible reminders to stop relying on my own abilities. Honestly anything I have hasn’t come from anything I’ve done anyway. I have never and will never be able to change, direct, persuade, or determine my husbands actions, thoughts, reactions or choices. Same goes for my children or friends, or family. It’s up to God and their relationship with Him to determine all that. I can express my pain and fears with honest vulnerability but that only brings to their attention the consequences of choices in front of them. It serves the ball into their court to take those reactions on my part to influence change. A change that needs to come from the inside out-my pain doesn’t have that power no matter how much I want it to.
Pain has a way of altering the perception of our responsibilities I think. When we are in pain and need answers to the questions of why and how, it seems so common to think we are supposed to do something to fix it. To think we are called to change things that are out of our control. The reality is we most often can’t. I actually believe we can NEVER do that. For me to say that I have that power demotes the power of my God. Ultimately He is the one in control. We are created to be emotional, relationship driven people. From that design I truly believe God can convict someone’s choices to be different next time. Because they have learned the pain it caused yet, that knowledge, no matter how eloquently I explain it to them, is just a indirect element however to why they change.
My pain is my journey. My stupid nightmares are my challenge. My ridiculous brain’s wandering path toward the negative is my mountain to climb. It’s frustrating. It is! And I have been knows to shout out loud, “Really brain? Really?” I did not ask to be in this position. But I am. How I move forward from it is all mine though. And I will tell you I want the brain to shut up more than it does.
So how do I get it to shut-up?
It comes down to this simple fact for me. When my brain starts to win over with negative, anxiety ridden fears it is a huge red flag that I have been relying on myself too much. That I haven’t actively sought God to be a part of my thoughts, actions, reactions, choices…
When my faith is right, my thoughts are less tormented. When my heart is humbled before God it seems easier to find grand joy in simple things. When my focus is on where God is taking me, not my own plan, things feel less anxiety ridden. (Easier, not always, He doesn’t promise easy). God doesn’t want to see me fail.
I’ve done all kinds of things to shut up my “bad brain”. Here are a few that have worked for me:
- writing out a list of positives in my marriage
- gone for a run
- call a friend
- open scripture and read it aloud
- turn on music to uplift me
- cleaning (odd I know, when feeling out of control there is something to be said for cleaning and organizing. It’s a tangible immediate result)
- help someone else, do a good deed to take the focus off me
So today is another day that I will roll my eyes at my silly brain. Find what works to push back the nightmares from last night and move forward. I’ll give negative thoughts the one two punch, knock them back a bit. Maybe I’ll be lucky enough that one of the punches will send them all to that pit a mile deep and never been heard from again. Until that happens I’ll regain focus on my faith and cling to God and giving back the control to Him. His plans are better than bad brain moments for sure!!