I made it…he made…our marriage made it…we made it!!
It’s been a whole year. As I have revisited so many of the moments, memories, trials, triumphs,…this entire journey has me spanning every emotion. I’ve learned a LOT about myself, my husband, my marriage and even more about my faith taking this road.
Does all that mean everything is flawless? No. But my marriage is in a place that I never thought we could attain. Even before my husband’s affair and other inappropriate relationships there was a marriage I dreamt of. One where I felt my voice mattered just as much as my husband’s. A relationship where I was not hindered by trying to be the “good wife” but was content with being the best me I could be at any given moment. One that made me feel set apart from others. As the wife, I wasn’t the only one who had to change, grow or compromise to make things feel healthy and happy. I dreamt and prayed for a marriage that was built on our definition, God’s definition, and not what I thought others would give me a gold star for. The marriage relationship where I wasn’t waiting to fit into his life but were our lives fit into our marriage. He and I against the world with God as our pilot. What a beautiful covenant I knew I deserved and prayed for so often.
Will we ever attain the storybook relationship? I will tell you no. -This is not because I don’t believe in the potential of either of us or our marriage, but because I don’t ever want to reach that place where I will stop growing or working on making the most important human relationship a priority or purposeful daily work!! God can do anything but I don’t believe I will have all I want in any relationship here on this earth, that’s what eternal life is all about. (But that is a whole blog in itself) That being said I will stand on the belief that my marriage should be the closet relationship I will ever have on this earth and the most important.
I hated every millisecond when the tornado of my husband’s choices came roaring through our lives. The disaster it left behind, the trail of debris was at times overwhelming. There were many sleepless nights. Hours of tears and moments where I even had to remind myself to breath. The darkest moments were there too, the ones where I begged out loud for any glimpse of hope and validation as I offered trust in anything he said to me or offered me. There were internal arguments I had with myself. Was I sacrificing myself in staying, forgiving, believing he would never hurt me like this again? What did it say about me if I did stay and and offered forgiveness? The struggle between wanting to forgive, offering forgiveness yet still being honest about the hurt and grief that was still so very present. The struggles of finding the right words during hard conversations. They were all real and so very raw with emotion.
BUT WE FACED IT…we can put this year into the history books. The score card has us in the lead. This f’n affair and his choices will take NO more from me. I am NOT it’s victim but it’s survivor! I have faced the refinery and I shine brighter as the Christian, wife, woman I want to be and know God made me to be.
I was asked the other day if I have any regrets. And without a hesitation I did and will still say NO. I don’t like the word regret. I have made the best decisions I know how to make and all of them have always been after taking all my concerns and choices to God. Does that mean I have never been hurt or disappointed in any of my decisions no. And at the risk of contradicting myself I hope my husband has some regrets. But if he does my hope and prayer is that one day the regret turns into gratitude. A gratitude for what he learned about himself, his faith, our God, our marriage, and my love and commitment to him.
What I can walk away confidently believing:
- MY GOD IS BIGGER than anything I will ever face on this earth.
- My husband, nor I are perfect. (That’s God’s job).
- Affairs SUCK.
- Recovery is HARD.
- Honesty, forgiveness and plenty of grace are the key ingredients to even beginning to face the aftermath of an affair.
- My self worth is NOT dependent on my husband’s actions, reactions or choices, be they good or horrible ones.
- GRIEF is real and takes a huge part of your emotional time as you move forward.
- You have to keep looking to the future, the moment you let yourself get stuck in the past that is the moment evil and the affair wins.
I made it…he made…our marriage made it…we made it!! The first year of our recovery and rebuilding a strong and healthy covenant. We have done the best we can. I am proud of that best. Infidelity is one step closer to being part of history not the demon of our future.