Behind my choice- To own my Wants

Marriage never promised to be the easy road.  If we are lead to the person God chose for us then I truly believe no mistake, situation or tragedy can not be overcome.  With His presence in the midst of everything it may take to move forward I truly believe any marriage can make it. But that doesn’t mean God won’t put us to work to get there.  Even if I wasn’t the one to make the mistake, situation or tragedy occur, I still have responsibilities. And one of those is owning what it is I want from this marriage and relationship.

I want to feel loved and fought for.

And I have the right to ask for that.

Do I want to feel like the world revolves around me?  I will admit it, at time yes I do.  After all we’ve been through and all the choices he made, the selfishness of his actions…I will say it…

 I want to feel like nothing and no one else matters.

IMG_3377-0

Reality is that I won’t get that every moment,  or even every day of my life.  No one can or should get that.  We all have to give and take in every relationship.  But what I will say is, I believe every husband or wife should hold such a special protected portion of their heart that when push comes to shove they would choose their spouse over anything or anyone.  And every spouse deserves to see the results of that special protected portion every so often.  Every spouse needs to be reminded how special they are. How God set them aside just for you, or you for them.  And how no one else can take their place or matter more.

Ephesians-5-25-web-NLTCould you imagine if  every day and every action we all lived out trying to make sure those we love, especially our spouses, knew they held that divine portion of our hearts?  Even in simple actions to those around us we show where our hearts wander.   know your heart

I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting to feel that special, and in a tangible way.  It is easy to fall into predictable routines and expectations.  Life gets busy and lets face it has demands on our time, calendars, even thoughts and actions. We can fall short of even making those most precious to us feel that way.  And I am not advocating that your marriage be the only place you find your self-esteem or worth.  To ask that of any one person in this world is unfair and impossible.  What I am saying is that marriage takes effort and work and purposeful actions that make your spouse feel loved and fought for.

Living in the wake of my husband’s affair and inappropriate relationships I have found myself needing to feel those two things even more.  You question a lot about yourself and when you let it, fear can creep into your storage of self-esteem and rob you blind.  As I have faced my husband’s choices and the pain it has brought me I have felt the tug of wanting and needing more tangible proof he’s really back and here with just me.  Fair or unfair its what I need at times.  I can’t say if it’s healthy or not.  But it’s what I feel and how can that be wrong?

So behind my choice to -own my wants is someone still healing and wanting to feel loved and fought for.  Purposeful, love driven actions that just remind me I hold that special place in my husband’s heart that no one or thing can fill.  To know I am “the one”!  I know despite what could have torn us apart I try my best to give him those tangible actions and words of proof that he is still my God given spouse and that he holds a protected place in my heart.

Close-up of door with a heart

Close-up of door with a heart

OUR marriage is worth making sure he knows that and letting him know I need that too!!

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About behindmychoice

I am first and foremost a Christian! I am also a wife, a daughter, a mother,... and I chose to stay married even after he said, "I had an affair"
This entry was posted in affair recovery, faith and marriage and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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