Behind my choice: To get off the Carousel

I am a Grey’s Anatomy fan.  Haven’t missed an episode yet.  I love the monologues and internal dialogue we get to hear as we watch them.


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Last week an episode aired (season 11, episode 22 “She’s Leaving Home”) that was just gut wrenching to me.   But as I sat and wiped away tear after tear, and as the triggers from my own journey of pain kept exploding to the surface it was almost cathartic.  The  main character Meredith is faced with the tragic and sudden death of her husband.  We get to see all the emotions and internal turmoil the reality of a pain she never wanted or asked for was causing.  How I have felt that way this past year as well. It was really emotional to watch.  The symbolism of a carousel was used.

“The carousel never stops turning,” as one character says,  “Life doesn’t stop, even when you are hurting, the worst hurt you’ve ever faced.  None of us ever expect tragedy or heartbreak.  If we knew and saw all the pain of this life coming…could you imagine??”

 I sure as heck never expected to be here in my own mess of pain…to be fighting this hard to find trust and belief in my spouse.  This was supposed to be the safest relationship I have on this earth.  As we stood before God, friends and family almost 18 years ago we were committing to each other, setting each other apart from anyone else in this life.  My marriage was supposed to be my safe haven, my go to when I felt the rest of the world was against me.  

The episode was over…my heart was overwhelmed with emotions and my own slideshow of this past year was playing in my head.  I was hearing things my husband has said to me through out our entire relationship.  Reminders that he does love me.  There were moments of hurt and pain too. Neither one of us are perfect, perfection is impossible.  And to think my marriage was going to be perfect would be wrong and completely ignorant and stupid.  But I had a right to trust that he would remain faithful.   Now that is gone.  It is never coming back.  And at times I don’t know what to do with the thought that I feel like there is nothing that I now share with my husband that someone else hasn’t.  And that makes me angry.   I have the right to own and say his betrayal and selfish actions hurt me like no other hurt I have ever faced in my life.  My heart screams and begs for the easy answers to just make this better.  I want to be on the other side of all this.

In the final scenes Meredith and her mother are heard saying,

“I have to believe there’s a way.  There’s a way to step off the carousel.  Start again.  Start fresh.  There has to be a way to leave all my ghosts behind.  It’s a choice.  A choice I am making to move forward.  To move past this. I can do that…  All I have to do is begin.”

It was like listening to myself. I was hearing words I have told myself over and over again since being faced with this reality.  My husband broke my heart and the pain is still so real.   Leave it to God, He will use ANYTHING to get your attention.  If you seek Him, look for Him to speak to you, He won’t waste the opportunity to remind you of something or teach you.  I was reminded listening to her character’s  words,  that even when the pain hits a raw exposed nerve like it did last night I am NOT a prisoner to it.  I may not have had the choice to face this but I still have the choice to move forward and not let this take anymore from me.

I have been fighting back the demons a lot these past few weeks.  For many reasons, that don’t change the outcome of how I have been feeling.  What they have made me realize is that I am still hurting.  Am I moving on?…yes…Do I still pray and wish this all never happened….yes.  But I don’t have to keep riding the carousel around and around.  I can change my view or even get off.  Life does keep moving forward.  I can move past this.  Does it change things? It does.  Life will never be the same again.   It’s part of my history now.  

But I don’t have to live there.  I don’t have to stay on this carousel and just keep going around the issue in circles.

In many way we have gotten off the carousel.  In many ways we have even walked away from it far enough I don’t see it every day.  But  I still catch myself going around in circles at times…and that will get me no where.  So I will make the choice to begin again, even when I am not sure how to  get off the carousel.  It just starts with one simple step, one thing at a time, one thought stopped in it’s tracks, one emotion put in check.  And then the honesty with myself to say…let’s face this!!  You are not going to let this take anymore from you!!  Even if it means I begin again every day, each time I feel myself going around and around.

“….I can do that.  I can move past this.  All I have to do is begin.”


About behindmychoice

I am first and foremost a Christian! I am also a wife, a daughter, a mother,... and I chose to stay married even after he said, "I had an affair"
This entry was posted in affair recovery, faith and marriage and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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