Have you ever watched the movie Singing in the Rain? That famous scene where Gene Kelly kisses Debbi Reynolds goodnight at her door step and then dances and sings his way through the city streets proclaiming he’s, “…happy again. [he’s] laughing at clouds, so dark up above, the sun’s in [his] heart and [he’s] ready for love…”
I love that movie. And that scene. What on earth does that have to do with affair recovery or faith or real life marriage? Let me explain.
My husband’s affair and his inappropriate relationships stole a lot from me. One of those being the innocence of believing in hollywood endings and movie scene love. Not that real life hadn’t chiseled away at some of those dreams already. Real life and real marriage is hard work, daily purposeful hard work. Not some rehearsed movie scene. But this was a huge turning point and his actions took a tremendous blow to what was left of those dreams. Not in thinking my life would be Hollywood magic but it stole the sense of security and trust I had in the most important earthly relationship that I had (still have). Since then it has been a constant, daily struggle to work toward regaining trust and security back into our relationship. At times it has even been a struggle to know how or if I could gain any of that back.
I get angry. I get sad. I get scared. I get overwhelmed. I get frustrated.
But watching that scene and listening to the words reminded me of where God would want my focus to be through all this. I was reminded to ask myself
what is my focus?
Am I supposed to live not believing God is bigger than what my husband did? Am I not to believe in love at all? Am I not to find blessings and things to prove that we will make it and we are making it?
It made me realize I can still sing through the rain.
Every time I hear that voice say, “don’t trust your husband at all”, “there’s no coming back from this”, “how do you know things are getting better”, I am faced with a choice. I can make the choice to see the sun through the clouds and believe I can find a happy ending or I can give into the storm and only see the clouds and rain. What do I really want to put my efforts into believing?
So on days like today where I feel the emotions, the anger, the sadness, the fears, and the pull of it all being overwhelming what do I do?
I make the choice to sing in the rain.
And I remind myself that Hollywood endings and movie scene love are just that Hollywood endings and scenes. They aren’t reality. But I believe in my right to want to strive for a real life version of those endings and scenes, a real version, one where I
“Let the stormy clouds chase…”
But one where I can say
“Come on with the rain
I’ve a smile on my face”
Does that make me a naive, ignorant woman? I don’t think so. Do I have to fight against allowing myself to be either of those, at times yes, maybe, but I sure as hell don’t want to be a bitter angry woman either. Walking, living, being present on what feels like the fine line between the two is a reality for me. And it sucks. It really does. I can’t just ignore what I am feeling and not address all the after math of what has happened. To do so would be naive and ignorant, not to mention destructive. But I don’t want to live my life without trust and hope and faith either. I still have to face this reality head on. I am no where near splashing through the streets singing at the top of my lungs about how perfect my life is. But I have moments- and more importantly I have hope and faith there will be more. Not because I am ignorant or naive but because I am making a choice to cling to hope, faith and love.
The rain can’t last forever!
But how I spend my time through the storm will effect my heart and all that is ahead of me.