“This isn’t real”
“What I am hearing is just a nightmare. It’s not true. I’ll wake up and he and I will have a good laugh about another one of my crazy dreams again”
I didn’t wake up, what my friend shared with me was the truth. My husband of over 15 years and best friend since high school had an affair. I figured he would be able to explain away the confusion of what my friend thought she knew. He sat with me in our home looked me in the eyes and said, “…its true…I did…”
As I sat there I remember not being able to catch my breath, my heart pounding so hard I thought it was going to explode right out of my chest. I had so many questions and at the same time couldn’t even create a full sentence. I just kept hearing my internal voice say, “Breath girl…breath…”
As the tornado of what he just told me began to leave the room nothing looked right. Everything felt uncomfortable. My clothes felt heavy and constricting. The sofa we sat on, my favorite place to sit and snuggle with my husband, felt like shards of glass. The view of our family room burnt my eyes, all the smiling happy photos of the two of us, our kids. What the hell was happening? Questions, too many questions to even ask one. Confusion, it was the worse state of confusion I’ve ever felt. The pain both physical and mental was tangible. My anger, violent anger was siring down the sides of my face, I could feel the rage whirling inside. It scared me. But then again I was just terrified altogether that this really was my reality. Then the nausea, but there were no tears. I thought for sure just wait, the tears are coming. But the shock was too much and blocked that flood gate, they were being held back like a damn along a raging river I could feel them pushing violently wanting out.
Then the voice inside my heart once again in a desperate screaming out, “This can’t be real!!”
BUT IT WAS!
I left-I will admit I left. Not soon after he answered a few specific questions about what happened. I walked out, nothing with me but the clothes on my back and my purse. “I have to get out of here. I just have to leave right now” was all I could say to him. And to this day I can feel the cringing pain of not even being able to look at him as I walked out that door.
I came back! I did. How? Why? When? What’s happened since…I’ll get to that, that’s what this site is about. My choice to stay in this marriage. I chose and still choose, this covenant. I still choose this relationship based on vows I made before God. This has NOT been easy, and I will admit there are times when it is a minute to minute choice still. And for many coming back shouldn’t be the answer or choice. But for me, it’s where God has lead me.
This journey has been and will be hard. Consequences have and will continue to play out. But God is good all the time, and all the time God is good. The affair my husband had is part of our history and will not be a demon of our future!!
I had a friend ask me, “Why did you stay?” And at the time she asked me all I could answer back was, “I didn’t hear God tell me not to” But that question has echoed around my head and heart ever since she asked. I don’t owe anyone an explanation why I chose to stay but answering that question for myself has lead to a whole different perspective as I have begun to heal and work through the rubble of this horrid tornado of truth that hit our lives.
I hope in sharing my story, even as I still walk this journey God will allow this blog to reach others. That my thoughts and words may even give one other person hope, peace, strength they didn’t know they had to make the right choice for them.
My life isn’t perfect, it never will be, it never was. But on that same night the violent truth felt like it destroyed all I knew to be real. God met me where I was. He has placed friends before me to offer support and prayers. He has given me a husband who has chosen to stay. A church to worship in and be in God’s presence. Professional support through counseling. And now this blog, where I pray my honest posts will maybe offer not only myself further healing but others the power to make the right choice:
The choice to stay!
The choice to love!
The choice to journey toward forgiveness and grace!