This scene….I still can’t watch it without a lump forming in my throat.
We are 4.5 years out from the worst of it all. 4.5 years from when I chose to stay. 4.5 years ago I chose to make my life not about the world’s definition of a fool but the definition of a wife who made a covenant to a marriage. 4.5 years past when I too could have let the feelings of being a fool over take me.
The days pass easier now. The work was hard to get here. I am a stronger. I am a better me. I look back at the person who typed the words in my very first blog ( This is a nightmare right? ) and the emotions run high. I feel compassion and pride all at the same time for that woman sitting at a computer just trying to process it all. Her journey made me who I am today. The test has become a testimony (and let’s be honest at some points it’s still playing itself out). I still wish I would not have had to face the storm but I can claim gratitude for who it has made me today.
The gift of time has allowed healing. Obviously, I don’t need to blog as often as I did. Raw emotions, or over powering triggers don’t sneak up on me much anymore. To see us, me, him now verses then, is so different. We still have disagreements and we will always have improvements to make of our relationship. One thing is for sure the moment you think you don’t have to work at marriage, of that things are perfect it’s time to take restock. Marriage isn’t easy! ( Behindmychoice: Defining Love ) Even the BEST ones need tender loving care and prioritized to matter. But staying did not make me a fool despite it still calling for work and grace and forgiveness etc!
Karen tells Harry in this scene, “…yes but you’ve also made a fool out of me. You’ve made the life I lead foolish too…” How those words resinate back to how I felt when we were in the trenches, working our way out of the worst of it. I did feel like a fool, how could you not? When you realize your trust has been stomped on by the person who held the most vulnerable part of your trust, it hurts! But, staying and deciding to live a life of hard work at forgiveness and grace was not foolish. It was at times a daily, even a minute to minute purposeful choice. Behindmychoice: Allowing Respect to Grow Trust
It has been months since I created a post here. But today, I could not shake the nudge to type these words out. Someone reading this must need to hear IT’S OK TO STAY!! FORGIVENESS is OK! ( Behind my choice -To say “I Forgive you” )Working past the pain and trauma will be hard but if you both want it…GO FOR IT!!
Please don’t think I am saying it is ok to be abused it is not. If that is your situation seek help and protect yourself. Being physically or emotional abused is never ok. But choosing to rebuild and regain a committed, loving and mutually respected marriage is never a wrong thing. If you have the gift of confession from your spouse and an even bigger gift that he or she is willing to change and wants to rebuild it is NOT FOOLISH to want that too!!
Who ever you are reading this. Know you are not alone facing this. You will get through this and you are NOT a FOOL!!